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Jan 24, 2025

Are Air Fryers Espionage Agents?

A crisp commentary for my fellow spud-niks

By Ed Goldman

Recent news coverage has suggested that the air fryer, which some of my cooking friends liken to the Holy Grail of appliances, is being used not only to crisp potatoes to a delightful golden brown but also to possibly lead to the overthrow of the United States.

This would upset me more if (a) I owned an Air Fryer and (b) I didn’t know that if the rumors are true, President Trump will pardon it. As we’ve learned, punishing anyone (or anything) for insurrection is so 1776.

Edgy Cartoon

Golden archness

This brouhaha—which sounds like a cruciferous veggie you can sauté in your Air Fryer, doesn’t it?—had been reported across social media but I found the clearest account on San Francisco’s WBC-TV affiliate:

“Experts say certain air fryers and other app-connected appliances are harvesting users’ data,” the story said. “A recent report from a consumer watchdog group claims popular fryers from Aigostar and Xiaomi are not only sharing data with companies like Facebook and TikTok, but also storing users’ data on Chinese servers. Some experts even speculate that the devices are recording conversations.”

I infer a couple of things from this:

1. Air Fryers are being used regularly in top-secret places like the NSA, CIA, FBI and Mission: Impossible headquarters. Who knew these people liked Tater Tots that much? Are they preparing them during sensitive, high-level meetings?

“M”: So, Mister Bond, I think your assignment is clear. You have your background book to study. 

BOND: Yes, sir. Very clear to me. I’m on my way.

“M”: Bond—wait! I need to ask you something!

BOND: Sir?

“M”: You want fries with that? 

2. For some reason, the Chinese want to find out just how boring the kitchen conversations of average Americans are. 

PARENT: Billy, did you set the table?

BILLY: Aww, c’mon. I wanna play Fortnight for another 27 hours. Can’t Millie set the table?

PARENT: Your sister set the table last night. 

BILLY: Aww, c’mon…!

PARENT: I’ll make French fries with the chuck steak.

BILLY: Well, why didn’t you say so? I’m in!

I think I see a dangerous trend here. If an Air Fryer can be rigged to send private conversations to the Chinese, how long will it be before non-electronic utensils become espionage enlistees? Three possibilities:

a. Tongs. We already know these were involved in Chinese gang-turf wars in the late 19th century. They were centered mainly in San Francisco—a city on the coast of California, just 6,536 miles from China (and even less if measured in 5138 nautical miles: miles: say, 5,138)! Are these seemingly innocent lettuce servers invisibly wired to report covert conversations being conducted in our salad bars? They have a lot of them in San Francisco—but in Los Angeles, they have salad bars in every restaurant, library, mini-mart and Dollar Store. Are we prepared?    

b. Forks. California is again the target since Sacramento, whence this column germinates, prides itself on being the farm-to-fork capital of the Milky Way, or something like that. So one has to ask oneself: what kind of intel is being transmitted from the state’s growing fields to its chilling forks? Is it mere coincidence that if you bang a fork on a metal surface its tines emit a horrible vibration not unlike fingernails being dragged across a blackboard? Is it? (For Canadian readers: ‘eh?)

c. Salad Spinners. Created to alleviate the likelihood of  especially enthusiastic arugula tossers developing carpal tunnel syndrome, these devices have long been misunderstood. (The name itself is confusing, suggesting that they’re people who come to your table after you’ve eaten and insist that the salad was a wonderful experience.) We believe that a simple electronic augmenting of the gadget will allow the bowl to pick up bits and pieces of table conversation as it whirls past each diner, multiple times. Admittedly, this means it’ll never record a complete sentence—e.g., “Well, the Pentagon…” “But the President said that…” and “which is why World War III is a viable…”—until it slows down and comes to a complete stop, preferably in front of someone who’s given to summarizing table-talk. There’s always someone around who does that.

Don’t forget! A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).