The Last Last-Minute Gift Guide You’ll Ever Want or Need!

Unless, that is, you surf the net or walk into actual stores

By Ed Goldman

Whether you celebrate Kwanzaa (December 26-January 2), Hanukkah (December 25-January 2) or Christmas (May 10-December 26), I’m guessing you haven’t bought all of the gifts you’re expected to buy on behalf of friends, relatives and the American economy.

In addition to the usual tokens of esteem, each year we all buy Revenge Gifts: last-minute purchases occasioned by our receiving last-minute gifts from unexpected sources, like ex-spouses, former employees and sworn enemies. But I repeat myself.

Present unaccounted for

Here are some duty- and God-free presents meant to assuage any pangs of conscience, though not too much lest we destroy the principal theme and motif of the holidays, Pure Regret. Remember, all that glitters is partial guilt.

1. GIFT CARDS. No, these aren’t for Starbucks, Target or Chloe’s Dominatrix Boutique. In this case, we’re talking bogus business cards, created to get you into private clubs to which you ordinarily would have no hope of entering. (I’d have said no prayer of entering but let’s leave actual religious worship out of this. We’re talking about something much more important: commerce.)

We offer personalized cards that falsely identify you as the Exalted Ruler of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks. Spearfish, South Dakota chapter. Why not Spearfish? Who’s gonna check? (Rumor has it that alarmed denizens burned a fax machine in effigy last year.)

We also have a line of cards indicating you bear the title of Chief Inspector. It can be Chief Inspector of almost anything, really. Just hope that the giftees don’t recall this was also the job title of Jacques Clouseau in all those “Pink Panther” films.

2. DINNER FOR 47 AT AL BADIA RESTAURANT, FALLUJAH. This actual eatery, which features Central Asian cuisine, is located in what has often been called the deadliest section of Iraq. Do you think any of the beneficiaries of your largesse will take you up on this gift? If you get worried one or two might, add the words “Transportation, travel guide, personal guard, life insurance and return-body-bag not included.”

3. MINIATURE GOLF AND DESSERT WITH PAT SAJAK’S THIRD-GRADE TEACHER. The retired host of “Wheel of Fortune,” who famously sold his final vowel on June 7, turned 78 last October. Most of the actuaries we fully intended to contact (before deciding to instead go out for boba tea) would guess that Pat’s third-grade teacher would now be pushing 105. Or daisies.

So while the gift will sound pretty damn amazing, you can always add a disclaimer in the same microscopic typeface they use to tell us that taking a new drug could result in our suffering a rash, inexplicable irritability or lingering death. In this instance, you’ll merely quote some actual actuarial statistics. Here’s one I just swiped from Google: “Centenarians currently make up just 0.03% of the overall U.S. population, and they are expected to reach 0.1% in 2054.” But if they’re 100 now, by 2054 they’ll be, like, 130.

4. SPEND THE AFTERNOON AS A CRASH DUMMY FOR TESLA MOTORS. The electric vehicles, becoming as famous for in-town mileage as spontaneous combustion, apparently are rigorously tested for safety after every reported incident of collision, explosion and pending litigation. This is a chance for some lucky recipient to be part of the problem and solution by volunteering to sit securely buckled into the front seat of, say, a Model S Dual Motor All-Wheel Drive Tesla as its engineers push it down a long ramp into a vat of flaming vinaigrette dressing. Survivors (or their designated next of kin) will then be treated to a warm spinach salad mixed with the flaming vinaigrette while company founder Elon Musk explains quantum theory via Zoom. For a small fee, your waiter will switch the station to a “Seinfeld” rerun or poison your wine.

Happy holidays to all of you, my favorite year-’round gifts.

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).