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If you don’t find your own job here, you’re most welcome

By Ed Goldman

People in jobs whose value might be called “under suspicion”—the jobs, not the people—are rightly concerned they’re about to be replaced either by faceless Artificial Intelligence or by robots wearing leisure suits or culottes, depending on AG (artificial gender). 

But I wonder if the term “under suspicion” has been properly defined. Sure, we’ve got the road crew that consists of two guys drilling and five others watching them do it or waving little stop signs. Even so, “unskilled labor” positions may have more meaning than any of a dozen mid- and upper-management jobs. 

This column therefore proudly presents its first annual UNDIES AWARDS to recognize some of the under-suspicion jobs that could possibly be handled equally well by puffins who’ve had a good breakfast:

DEI Directors. If you just joined us, DEI stands for diversity, equity and inclusion. Companies that created this job—presumably to oversee whether their hires were ethnically and gender-balanced but mainly to prevent lawsuits—did so to make a statement, not make a difference. If their HR directors were already doing their jobs, this was simply an example of creating an inhouse Department of Redundancy Department.

In-house Psychologists. Unless your employees are making life-and-death decisions on an hourly basis, what’s the point of having a high-priced shaman on salary to minister to your staff’s “burn-out” (“Too many memos, so little time!”) or other easy-to-resolve issues. Example: 

“My work no longer has meaning.”

“Then quit.”

“Wow. You’re, like, a miracle worker.”

Customer Experience Coordinators. Really? A simple 2-question survey won’t do it? (“How’d you hear about us? Would you recommend us to others?”) But no: your hapless customer has to not only give you money but also sit for an exit interview? 

Do yourself a favor. Save the money on hiring the customer experience coordinators by simply listening to what your customers are saying about you. Hint: If they’re not saying anything but they keep coming back, they’ve spoken volumes and you should just leave them the hell alone. 

Sommeliers. How many of you need someone to tell you whether the wine you ordered is an “excellent choice?” If you liked the wine, it was an excellent choice. A clown with a corkscrew attached to his sash—even if his name is Laurent or Adrien—isn’t going to improve your evening. Or palate, for that matter.

Advertising Director. This is a fine job if the person getting the salary for it actually knows how to write and buy advertising. Chances are, he or she is spending your company’s time and money selecting others to do all of that: professional ad agencies. It’s a little like hiring a “gardening coordinator” to find someone to mow your lawn. You’ve got this, Babe.

In-house Counsel. This is the lawyer who couldn’t abide the rat race and who now selects to represent your business the lawyers who could. But if this guy or gal was such a dynamite attorney, why isn’t he or she doing the work instead of farming it out? ‘Eh? (“‘Eh” is for our handful of  readers in Canada. I firmly believe in pandering.)

In-house Magazine Writers. Why not hire out-house magazine writers, while you’re at it? They throw the best after-potties. 

—Okay, let’s be serious. Do you really need someone to take up office space (or if working from home, kitchen space) and score major medical and paid paternity leave (though childless)? Hire people like me. We’ll write your annual reports (yes, many of us double as fiction writers) and buy our own perks. You’ll also save on office parties since we won’t be there to scarf Midge from Accounting’s famous rumballs or get you named in a post-festivities DUI incident. 

Parking Lot Managers. If they’re actually parking your car, swell. If they’re just taking your money after you’ve parked it yourself, who needs ’em? Why not just pay on your way in? 

Bridge Toll Operations Supervisor. A day-in-the-life of same: 

“Did you take the drivers’ $10 to cross the bridge?” 

“You bet, Chief.” 

“Good. I’m going home now. I’m exhausted. Bet you are, too.”