Spending Billions for Soap Dispensers: Only the Tip of the Iceberg

The USAF goes wild for cleanliness

By Ed Goldman

Ever since it came to light at the end of last month that the United States Air Force paid 8,000 percent more than the asking price for soap dispensers, I’ve been overspending, as well—too much time on my fainting couch.

“The Air Force needs to establish and implement more effective internal controls to help prevent overpaying for spare parts for the remainder of this contract, which continues through 2031,” Defense Department Inspector General Robert Storch said in a statement—no doubt before being whisked away in his chauffeur-driven, government-paid-for, wet-bar-included limousine. (Okay, I made up that last part. I really have no idea if the limo has a wet bar.)

Mayday! Olay!

The USAF, which not only helped us win World War II but also managed to keep secret that one of its astronauts, Admiral Tony Nelson, kept a shapely blonde genie in a bottle at his home in Coco Beach, has always been a source of pride for our country. How could it let us down so badly by overpaying for soap dispensers, at a time when food illiteracy, homelessness, illegal immigration and contaminated onion slivers have pockmarked the nation?

Paying 80 times more than something is worth is what you’d expect from customers at Starbucks, movie producers who hire Seth Rogen and Big O Tire stores (at which your brake pads always need to be replaced even if you did so at another tire store a few days earlier)—but not from our government!

Yet according to a 2023 report by the Congressional Western Caucus, “From buying $14,000 toilet seats to losing track of warehouses full of spare parts, the Department of Defense has been plagued by wasteful spending for decades.”

Okay, we’d heard about the toilets. Here are some other examples of government overspending they’re not telling us about (dollar figures are estimates, based equally on presumptions and paranoia):

– $14.2 million on toilet paper. Upon further investigation, none of it was even two-ply. Talk about waste (literally)!

– $8.4 billion on postage-paid envelopes for returning our election ballots. What, we couldn’t afford a “forever” stamp or two? When we pay for our gas, electricity, phone and cable-TV by check, do those companies pay for our stamps? I’m sure it never even occurred to them. Now, that’s responsible fiscal management.

– $27.6 million to locate and dispose of Rudy Giuliani’s estate to settle perhaps 1/900th of his lawsuits. As of this writing, it’s not entirely clear how they’re going to transport his 10-room Manhattan condo to an auction house but you can believe it’ll take more than a few truck trips.

– $3 million for a year’s supply of Presidential Depends®.

– $16.8 trillion for weapons to Israel with the proviso that they just cut out this warfare nonsense.

– $2.9 trillion to Ukraine with the proviso that they just cut out this warfare nonsense.

– $445 billion to fight climate change via aerial spraying of Antarctica with dimethyl ether or tetrafluoroethane, which are used to freeze and remove warts and skin tags and are believed to be solutions to those melting ice caps. Trouble is, the spraying would be accomplished using millions of aerosol dispensers. This may sound a little counterintuitive.

– $782 million to save the wales. “Too many corduroy slacks are failing to hold their crease,” according to a spokesman for the pentagon’s Ralph Lauren outlet.

– $139.2 trillion to step up enforcement of student loan payoffs. This is not a forgiveness program. According to Lending Tree, “Americans owe $1.74 trillion in federal and private student loan debt as of the second quarter of 2024.” The government intends to spend 80 times that amount to recover the money it’s owed. That will leave it with roughly $137.46 trillion, which anonymous sources say will go toward the installation of bidets in military limousines. This is what’s known as going in style.

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).