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Why should they live such neglected lives?

By Ed Goldman

Everyone receives spam on their phones and computers and they’re usually pretty easy to recognize. For example, I recently received a few notifications—purportedly from Earthlink, my internet provider—warning me, “You may be about to about to loose your email account!” 

Now, certainly, “loose” can be used as a verb. But it usually means to set something free but not always in a positive sense. Like: “The man-eating tigers have been loosed upon the safari during their cocktail hour!” 

While the non-techs among us (count me in) tend to fear that spammers are diabolically clever masterminds, the fact is most of them are young and in all matters that take place outside of cyberspace, remarkably stupid. They prey mainly on people who are not young and tend to be trusting—or sure, in some cases, a tad ignorant.

Spammers are so dumb that the humanitarian in me keeps screaming, “Help them out! And then explain why you swallowed whole a humanitarian!”

Here, then, are some handy tips for spammers (if they don’t interrupt this transmission, those scamps): 

1. LEARN TO SPELL. This is especially true if your spam message is meant to impersonate genuine memos from genuine companies. Genuine companies usually have people on staff who’ve attended college (and not just for the Friday-night keggers). When they send out warnings about your overdue credit card payment or previews of upcoming product sales, they routinely employ decent grammar.

2. LEARN ENGLISH. This isn’t a xenophobic suggestion. At its best, this country is much more than a melting pot: it’s a merrily roiling vat of various cultures, ethics, credos and tapas. But look, spammers, if you’re going to opt for the dark side, such as the intimidation of senior citizens or deception of its youthful TikTok users—the latter of whom are, intellectually and figuratively, a few members short of a quorum—speak the same damn language!

As soon as you sound like Sasha Cohen’s hilarious creation Borat, whose best film to date is called “Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan,” the urgent note you send (about your being trapped in Fallujah unless the recipient sends you a cashier’s check for $3,000) is going to lose some cred.

3. UNDERSTAND METRICS, KEY WORDS AND SEARCH ENGINES. I don’t, natch, but that’s no reason why you shouldn’t. For example, if I’d been writing a column that made mention of the actress Cate Blanchett, it isn’t a signal for me to start receiving links with titles like “Cate Blanchett’s Legs,” “Cate Blanchett at 25” or “Cate Blanchett in a Camiknicker* at 53.” And that’s only the start. Pretty soon spammers will start soliciting me to buy photos of other lissome actresses (or actors—since some think Blanchett has a sort of androgynous look, as did Katherine Hepburn, whom she famously portrayed in “The Aviator”). 

Meanwhile, the smart spammer (I’m definitely not repeating myself with that phrase) might look me up, realize I’m a writer, not a voyeur, and try to connect me with A-I products I’d actually consider—like “Nap While We Write Your Column (How Hard Could That Be?)” and “Formatting Your Screenplay, Novel, Shopping List or Ransom Note for Maximum Impact.”

4. STUDY REVERSE-REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. Reverse psychology, as you know from being a child or having one, is when your parent or you (as a parent) says the opposite of the truth, like, “Oh, I think running across the freeway at 5:30 p.m. is a wonderful idea, Billy!” Somewhat similarly, spammers will start out their pitches by saying something along the lines of, “Wait! This could possibly be spam! If you’re afraid it is, don’t read this!” Well, you might be so intrigued by the sauciness of that claim you’ll soon find yourself clicking through to a website in Hell and providing your Social Security Number to Rosemary’s Child.

But reverse-reverse psychology is the key. Instead of a faux warning that what follows could be spam, come right out with it: “Hi! Do you love spam as much as we do—but fear your friends and loved ones will ostracize you if you let a bogus message like this one siphon all your personal data, Roth-IRAs and pet puffins? Well, just open this and tell them all to go to Hell!” 

And if they do, please tell them to say hi to Rosemary’s Child for us. Kids grow up so darned fast!