‘Quibbles & Bits’ Pre-Election Special!

Gather the whole family for this essential installment. Or not

By Ed Goldman

Dear Readers: I hope you brought your voter’s I.D. and passport to today’s column. For those of you who’ve already obtained your REAL-I.D. driver’s license, I commend you both. OKAY, let’s get on with it.

THE LOVE VOTE—As you might have heard, tomorrow is THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOWN GALAXY, and possibly beyond.

Many sloppy returns

If your preferred candidate loses, you’ll find yourselves on the wrong side of history, POSSIBLY FOR ALL ETERNITY.

If your preferred candidate emerges victorious, music and joy will reign in the streets, all babies will be born flawless and THIS COUNTRY WILL FINALLY BE ON THE RIGHT PATH. How the hell it’s lasted this long is a complete and utter mystery to me, as I’m sure it is to you.

I can only pray that you cast your vote for my preferred candidate. If you didn’t, and my preferred candidate loses, well, thank you for exercising your Constitutional franchise.

I’m kidding, you moron. You will henceforth and forevermore be dead to me. I mean, DEAD. The marriage, friendship, partnership, strategic alliance, occasional why-not/apathetic sex, is UTTERLY RUPTURED.

If I see you walking on the same side of the street as I am, I will not only cross to the other side but will also sue you for emotional damages, up to the World Court if necessary, and/or mow you down with my Segway electric scooter, then come back and scrawl “Infidel!” on your forehead with Maybelline Color Sensational Lipstick.®

Oh, I realize these may sound like extreme measures. But damn it, THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD IS AT STAKE—and maybe that of all the planets in the Milky Way and likely those we’ve yet to discover and name for either Roman gods or Disney characters.

Now, don’t get me started on that bloc known as “Undecided Voters.” On the other hand, if they end up supporting my preferred candidate, well, look, I applaud your thoughtfulness. Take as long as you need.

If, on the other hand, you vote for the other candidate, what is it with you? Did you take too many time-release pain killers? Did you wake up just in time to ruin the universe? You don’t seem to understand the seriousness of this election! It’s a good thing I do and I got here in time to stop you from—

What? You voted by mail weeks ago? Did you happen to Xerox your ballot so we can review whom and why you—

No? Just as well. Wanna get some sushi?

JUST SAY ‘HI’—According to the New York Times Crossword Puzzle, my most reliable source of daily entertainment and useless information, Alexander Graham Bell thought people should answer his invention, the telephone, by saying, “Ahoy.” Seriously.

As long as we’re going all military, why not “Halt, who calls there?” Or how about, “Have you been drinking, Private?”

People in different cultures answer their phones with different greetings (including versions of “How did you get this number?!” and “I told you to never call me here!”).

In Italy, for example, they say, “Pronto!” This gives the wrong impression that Italians are a hurried race. If they were, they’d have never had the time to create, much less fill a baking dish with, lasagna, Garfield the Cat’s object of devotion.

In Poland, they say, “Tak, slucham,” which looks a bit like, “Talk, Sliced Ham.” Maybe this is how they answer the phone in Polish delis. Germans, Russians and Swedes use greetings that sound like our own “Hello.” Respectively, they say “Hallo,” “Allo” and “Halla.” That last one resembles the way you pronounce the word for Jewish egg bread, which makes the best French toast.

But let’s get back to “Ahoy.” Yeesh. It’s not like Bell was in the Navy or Coast Guard or even an early episode of “Star Trek.”

And what were his first words on the telephone on March 10, 1876? “Watson, come here; I want to see you.” Does that sound especially nautical to you? And what about that sushi? Hello? Ahoy?

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).