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Unknown Story by ‘Dracula’ Author Gets Dug Up
How many other things did Bram Stoker write?
By Ed Goldman
Just in time for Halloween, a short story by Bram Stoker, author of “Dracula,” has been found in a Dublin, Ireland library, no doubt after the sun went down.
This is pretty exciting news for Stoker fans who always thought his literary output had been sucked dry, as one might say. The fans, whom we may refer to as stakeholders, think there may be other stories or books Stoker left behind, including:
Be afraid…be very afraid…
FANGS FOR THE MEMORY. This lovely elegy is about Count Dracula’s youth in Transylvania. You’ll laugh and cry at his tender moments—like the baptism that almost turns tragic when the priest discovers at the last possible moment that the young vampire could burst into flames if doused with holy water; the zany difficulties that ensue when young Drac, about to go to his senior prom, baffles the tailor fitting him for a rented tuxedo because he has no reflection in the mirror; and the prom itself, at which Dracula bites his first girl.
CAPE FEAR. Though it bears the same name as the original 1962 film and its 1991 remake set in the American south, this is a cute coming-of-age tale set in a men’s clothing store in Romania, featuring the same tailor we met in “Fangs for the Memory.” This time, he’s trying to help his customer—by now a prosperous young man with his own car, castle and day job as a sealed-casket tester—adjust to his emerging status in life (well, night-life) by overcoming an inordinate dread of stylin’.
“I just don’t see me in a cape,” Drac tells the now-old tailor whom he’s grown to consider both a father figure and future iron-poor-blood source. “Dracky,” says the kind old man who has twinkly eyes and a wrinkly neck, the latter a potential appetizer, “you have to think young. What are you now, 550 years old? You’ve only been shaving for, what, 287 years. Live it up!”
BATS’ ENTERTAINMENT. This brief tale tells of a disastrous night out as Dracula and his brides take in the Transylvania opera and by intermission have bitten all the wealthy patrons seated in the founders’ circle. As Dracula apologizes to the theatre manager, “Is my face red! Well, at least my lips and chin.”
VAMPIRE STATE. In New York City to visit his wealth management team, Dracula flies to the 101st floor of what was then the world’s tallest building and, feeling frisky, offers to pose for commemorative photos with the tourists. He knows that when they get their photos back in a few weeks and he’s not in any of them the tourists will sue Kodak, the maker of their Brownie cameras.
THE PLOY OF COOKING or, THERE WILL BE BLOOD. As a change of pace, the count decides to share some centuries-old recipes. In the intro, he explains that as a young leech he lured both women and men to his home by promising them cooking lessons. Together, they prep some favorite Romanian meals—such as tripe soup and balmos, described in the book as a “traditional shepherd’s dish provided the shepherd doesn’t outrun you.” Afterward, they play a sweet middle-European board game called Sictionary in which Drac and the players compete to see who can look the most ashen—and what it takes to achieve that. (Note: None of the recipes in this book contain garlic, which contains allicin, which is an antibiotic that may kill hosts, whether viruses or gracious homeowners.)
WEEKEND AT ZOMBIE’S. Foreshadowing the side-splitting 1989 movie “Weekend at Bernie’s”—about a nefarious businessman who dies while hosting a party at his home, leaving two of his young guests to make it seem as though he’s still alive—Bram Stoker shows his fun-loving side in this brief tale. Two vampire hunters discover Dracula’s coffin and mis-conclude that if he’s lying inside it he must be dead. So they invite their friends to come to the castle for a party which unfortunately begins at sunset, the moment when their undead host climbs out of bed and joins the young people in the living room for such traditional party games as charades, 20 questions and a variation of what we’ve come to call “necking.”
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).