A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!
“Snoafers” and Other Conjoined Footwear
Some shod-dy suggestions
By Ed Goldman
If you’re a fan of insider training—and who isn’t, with the possible exception of those doing community service for being caught at it?—here’s a hot tip for you:
Invest in a hybrid tennis shoe/slip-on called the “snoafer,” which was released in August. “Like the liger, the cronut and the chortle before it, this shoe is a confounding hybrid,” writes Jacob Gallagher in the column “On Trend” in The Wall Street Journal.
Nike us on Facebook
Well, Jake, we already have other garb-related hybrids. Like: skorts (skirt-like shorts—or, if you prefer, short-like skirts); treggings (half trou’, half leggings—the art is in knowing which half is which), and shants (sheer pants).
It almost pains me to admit I didn’t make up any of those names. However, it’s early and I’m about to.
Let’s stick with footwear, as wads of discarded chewing-gum have been heard to say to each other. Here are some combo shoes that should be on your investment agenda:
- On the generic side, the traditional high-heel is teaming up with the infamous spike-heeled stiletto to form a new, dangerous dress shoe for frustrated female executives. The all-new “Stump Pump” elevates its wearer’s height by a good six feet, making her tall enough to punch a hole in the 7′ tall asbestos ceiling above her cubicle. Fire-axes not included.
- Meanwhile, the makers of huarache sandals and Panama hats have combined forces to create “Headaches” (pronounced hed-AH-cheese), beach shoes that can double as sun visors.
- La-Z-Boy—which manufactures what we’d call leisure chairs if we still had the energy to do so once we sank into one—is showing its environmental cred by supporting California’s imperiled fishing industry. Its new dressy-casual shoe, made entirely of smoked salmon, is called the “Loxford.” It can be polished with Shinola or schmear.
- The folks who make moccasins have formed a partnership with those who churn out chukka boots to come up with the “Moccachukka,” the first high-heeled slipper for men. You may not be the last Mohican, Dude, but you’ll be the best-shod one.
- Birkenstock is merging with the Doc Marten company to invent “Birkendocs” in hope of claiming the title Double-Ugliest International Footwear in History.
- Running shoes are taking on the look of cowboy boots to form a new brand, “Roots.” According to a prospectus from the new company, “This new urban/country shoe combines literary history with lateral mobility. Think of it as Alex Hailey’s Comet!”
- Skechers, which has a line of attractive athletic shoes, is inking a deal with Famolare, the popular 1970s footwear whose soles resembled Russian tractor treads. Together, they’ll put out “Skamolares.” Impossible to walk in for more than a few yards, the product was allegedly named in an all-night marketing session that saw vats of vodka being delivered to Parole Violators, a now-shuttered ad agency in Manhattan.
- If you’re a fan of Dingo boots and the scholarly study of Barbie dolls, we don’t have a combo shoe to offer, just an excuse for when you don’t turn in your research paper on time: “The Dingos ate my Barbies.” (Note: This works only if your faculty advisor hasn’t seen the tragic Meryl Streep drama about a child abduction in the Australian outback, “A Cry in the Dark.”)
- And finally, Manolo Blahnik, the Spanish fashion designer whose high-end shoes were the unofficial co-star of all the “Sex and the City” film and TV permutations, has thrown in with the makers of Topsiders to concoct Manolo Overboard deck shoes.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).