A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!

A new collection of mindful manner-isms

By Ed Goldman

I can’t tell you how often readers ask, “When will your Ed-iquette series return to The Goldman State?” I can’t tell you because just as there are certain numbers so high they’re near-impossible to calculate, there are also some so infinitesimal as to be invisible to every form of mathematical measurement.

Nonetheless, following the instincts that have served me so dubiously in my extinguished career, here is a new installment of Ed-iquette or, All Manner of Manners.

1. Dear Ed-iquette: To tip or not to tip? That’s the question I have when I buy takeout food. I mean, in some states these minimum-wage workers are earning more per hour than I am (but not in Idaho, thank God, where it’s been $7.25 since 2009—though I believe there’s a law moving through the state’s legislature to augment tips in Tater Tots). I’ll take my answer off the air. –Curious About Tipping Points

Dear Curious: Did this column suddenly become a call-in radio show when I was napping? Whaddaya mean, you’ll take your answer “off the air”? We’re not even on the air, you moron. I’m afraid I’ll have to extend my nap to calm me down. As Julius Caesar once said, “I’m surrounded by assassins. Hey, who wants the anchovies from my salad?”

2. Dear Ed-iquette: A much-older man just walked into my tennis club and greeted me by saying, “Hello, beautiful!” I don’t know this man and find this objectionable behavior. So I asked one of the kids working there for his name, looked him up on the membership roster and sent him an email suggesting he’d acted boorishly and worse, never followed up. What’s your take on this? — Highly Offended

Dear Highly: Are you any relation to Haile Selassie, the onetime emperor of Ethiopia? He really tried to modernize his country, including the introduction of floor-covering placemats for fine dining. Had he lived, there are notes he left indicating forks, knives and funny cocktail napkins were on his radar. How about Highly Valuable or Highly Recommended? I’ve always hoped somebody with one of those names would like me on Facebook. In the meantime, let’s deal with your inquiry. Do you have a photo you can text me? Don’t get me wrong: I’m working on a monograph about what much-older men find beautiful. So far, soup tops the list.

3. Dear Ed-iquette: For years, I’ve labored under the delusion that the great California lettuce boycott was led by a man named Chavez Ravine and that Van Gogh was what you said to start your SUV. Recently I discovered that Chavez Ravine is actually a stadium where the then-Los Angeles Angels played baseball and that Van Gogh was a painter of women named Iris. Either way, it’s too late for me to make amends to anyone I might have said the wrong thing to over the years: the MLB team moved to Anaheim in 1966, when I was a mere lad, and the artist who painted flowerscalled irises died in 1890, when I wasn’t even mere. Should I contact all of the friends who heard me commit one of  these faux pas and make amends? –Is My Face Red

Dear Is: Judging from your letter, I can’t imagine your reparations crusade wouldn’t take much more than an hour. So go for Itt, as I once advised Morticia Addams, who had developed an inexplicable crush on her all-hair cousin.