Notice: This Column Uses Fortune Cookies

Presenting the wisdom of the ages (between 6 and 11)

By Ed Goldman

Be truthful now: No matter how silly and generic the advice is, whenever you buy Chinese food, you not only read but consider the all-purpose wisdom found in your fortune cookie. That can range from “There is no shame in failure; only in quitting” to suggested lottery picks. What we seek is the bland comfort that everyday adages provide.

This wishful idling isn’t limited to fortune cookies. I’ve had friends who think astrology was about as credible as Sean Hannity yet still look up the prediction for their birth signs every day. They also have their palms read and consult with any oracles who set up shop in their neighborhood.

Cruel and unuual pun-ishment

Quick digression: “Psychic fairs” are held in some of my city’s local parks throughout the year. On more than one occasion, they’ve had to cancel at the last minute because it rained. I’d have loved to hear one of them remark, “Well, I didn’t see that coming.”

Here are 25 samples of fortunes and predictions brought in line with reality:

You will meet a tall dark stranger who tells you he has a cousin being held prisoner in Fallujah but $50 in cash will win his freedom. You will give him only $25 because you’re nobody’s fool.
The road to good intentions is paved with hell.
Be silent and be thought a fool. Speak and be a candidate for U.S. President.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Whine and you’ll get what you want.
Hate is much too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don’t even like.

The theatre is a dying art form—and has been since the 6th Century BC.
When you scrape and rinse all the plates and pans before putting them in the dishwasher, who is the actual dishwasher?
General Tso calls. He wants his chicken back.
A house is not a home if it has a reverse mortgage on it.
To live and die in LA is often indistinguishable.

Do not be afraid of competition. Unless they’re better than you by every possible measure.
An exciting opportunity lies ahead of you. In fact, this has been one of those lies.
You will always be surrounded by friends. Especially at the reading of your will.
You are wise beyond your years. You’re like, what, six-and-a-half?
Your ability to juggle many tasks will take you far—unless there’s a nearby psychiatric ward.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. Yes, you’ll fit in just fine at our tech company.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Just be sure that step is onto an airplane.
Goodness is the only investment that never fails—unless it involves crypto currency or a reverse mortgage.
A routine task will turn into an enchanting adventure, particularly if kissing princesses awake is a routine task for you.
Forget injuries; never forget kindnesses—or the phone number of your attorney.

Stay healthy. Walk a mile. Longer if your creditor has stamina.
Experience is the best teacher. Unless you want to become a tenured professor, in which case you’d better get a doctorate degree instead of learning about life.
The family that plays together stays together. Unless the family name is Medici, Corleone or Soprano, in which case I’d avoid the games.
Plan for many pleasures ahead. But leave out the details if discussing them with your date.
It is easier to stay out than to get out. Just ask Michael Corleone.

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).