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Less-than-gray matters to discuss

By Ed Goldman

CAFFEINE “HI”—The CEO of Chipotle became the new CEO of Starbucks last month. Here’s what this may portend for the Longtime Starbucks Customer (a sales category which denotes loyalty as well as the wait for your vente Americano):

1. Your name will still be misspelled on your order but now, ¡en Español!
2. In addition to the usual half-and-half, sugar and granulated cinnamon, the condiments table will now include salsa, jalapeños and Tums.
3. Baristas(coffee pourers, in Italian) will henceforth be known as camareros (waiters, in Spanish—which are pretty much baristas);
4. The Starbucks background-music playlist will morph from Miles Davis to mariachi.   
5. To honor its new CEO’s corporate roots, Starbucks will begin its own interpretations of Taco Tuesday: Macchiato Monday and Frappuccino Friday. And just as soon as Spain adds “w” to its alphabet, we’ll suggest a Wednesday beverage. 

INSECT-EAST SIDE—”The invasive ‘ManhattAnt’ has been infiltrating New York City since 2011,” reports CBS News. “Since the giant ant showed up…its population has started to spread and, like other pests, it could cause ecological harm.”

While I’m not by nature a catastrophist, I am, by experience, a brand-ologist. So here are some similar cutesy names for whatever other critter incursions may lie in store for my hometown:  

–  BrookLynxes (wildcat escapees from the Prospect Park Zoo—in, natch, Brooklyn); 

–  QueensBees (this needs no hagiography); 

–  HarLemurs (ditto);

–  BeYonkers (soulful singers running rampant in the Hudson River city while singing “Crazy in Love”); 

–  GothAmphibians (salamanders, newts and other vertebrates on a mission of revenge, raiding every Broadway restaurant that still lists frog-legs on its menu).

New Yorkers are tough. But what if these sieges expand to other parts of the U.S.? Will we have to experience the following?

– LosAlamosquitoes (more frightening than what came out of the fabled New Mexico national laboratory—for younger readers, it was, like, the Bomb!—these pests are said to multiply if radiated. Uh-oh);

– MissouLadybugs (these western Montana monsters are said to be targeting Hollywood stars who move to the state to escape the fans to whom they’ve had their agents announce their move and drop hints about their new latitude and longitude. Yes, the bugs are after the celebs—because there are behaviors even a creepy-crawly can’t abide);  

– BattleCrickets (these Michigan menaces are merciless, vowing to turn up in your Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies at any moment)[ 

– WaspIngtons (whether you’re referring to the West Coast state or the East Coast den of systemic inequity, these tiny creatures are bound and determined to interfere with the flow of overpriced coffee and underfunded mandates, respectively); 

– TerWilligerMites (these little building munchers are bound and determined to cool down the hot springs experience in this Blue River, Oregon, town by eating enough surrounding trees to deprive vacationers of the needed shade to offset the scalding they saved all year to afford);

– OMotha (a lone Nebraska insect will consume your favorite tweed jacket as it hangs on the rack in your hotel room, then turn up the next morning in the oatmeal at the hotel’s “Warren Buffet”); and finally,     

– San FrancisCockroaches (jealous of the media attention being paid to retail thieves and the homeless encampments in front of retail stores, these classic culprits are drawn to garbage and compost, making them equally threatening to slobs and environmentalists. Approach with caution or leftover pizza rollups from your last book club meeting).