Entertaining on a Budget? I’ll Try to Be Just That…

How to prep an econo-dinner party

By Ed Goldman

August may be the ideal month to host patio dinner parties provided (a) you have a patio and (b) you don’t live in a part of the world in which it’s still 95 degrees at 6:30 p.m.

But with many of us feeling the financial pinch—for some of us, it’s more like a #MeToo grope—what better time to offer tips for Entertaining On a Budget?

Cell-by date

1. UP-STARTERS. Call them starters or hors d’oeuvres, every meal has to start somewhere, even if it’s cheap. The key to saving money on dinner is to first stuff your guests with some appetizers (some, equally stuffed). Because almost everything seems more exotic when served on a cracker, make an inexpensive tuna salad but sprinkle it with Worcestershire sauce and serve it on inexpensive Saltines—but first, display it on children’s game cards. Put a little cup of horseradish on the table next to it and congratulations, you’ve just invented Ahi Pokémon. You’re most welcome.

2. WHY WHINE ABOUT WINE? Despite their insistence on swirling a drop of Pinot Noir in their glasses before taking a judicious sip, most of your guests will know as much about wine as they do about carburetors and Constantinople. So why not make the most of that at your next dinner party?

Instead of buying, uncorking and decanting an expensive vintage, how about picking up a few six-packs of grape soda two days before the party? Open all the cans and pour their contents into a glass bowl. Refrigerate them so your Summer houseflies don’t treat it as a blood-soaked above-ground pool. Then, two hours before guests arrive, take the bowl out of the fridge and pour its contents into a couple of carafes (flower vases will do; just dump the flowers first). Next, put them on the table to “breathe” before dinner—and be sure to point out to your more observant guests that this is what you’re doing. They’ll think you actually know something about wine. Eventually, your guests will taste a warm, irresistible beverage. Some might even swirl it first, which won’t affect anything, even with real wine, no matter what you’ve been told.

Your $aving$: Three bottles of just decent Pinot Noir would have cost you $90. Now subtract the cost of four six-packs of canned soda @$5.99 each, for a total of $23.96. Subtract that from $90 and that comes to $66.04 you’ll have saved. You could consider leaving me in your will.

3. SALAD DAZE. Since kale is all the rage among people who haven’t actually tasted it but know they’ll achieve immortality if they do, think about creating a salad made of it. Then think twice. I eat it regularly. It tastes like lawn clippings, only more bitter. Why not gather up some of those, toss in a few tomatoes for color (and to give it bona fides as a salad), drench it in Wishbone vinaigrette you’ve poured into an anonymous cruet so you can claim you made it and for good measure, ostentatiously crack a raw egg on top of the mess as you serve it. Real chefs are always cracking raw eggs on top of things, like rice and pasta and leftover Chinese takeout; for some reason, we think it’s cool and try it at home the next morning on our Cocoa Puffs but it’s just not the same.

4. GRUB STEAK? If you marinate even shoe leather for five days, it may still taste like shoe leather. But tangy! So imagine if you use a genuine food product—the oft-maligned chuck steak—and soak it in soy sauce and lemon juice for a day-and-a-half in the fridge, how good it will taste. Not very, I grant you. But fry it before guests arrive, then slice it and pour more marinade on it, throw on a dollop of Costco blue cheese dressing and voila! Your guests will comment on the unusual sapor, which you can give an exotic spin by saying the meat came from Argentina. If you’re feeling feisty, you can even call it bife de Carlos con salsa de soja y limón—but be sure none of your guests made it past Spanish 101 in school.

5. JUST DESSERTS. How about just coffee, and how about that being just Instant, which you can make a full pot of and serve in an urn with no one the wiser? Your excuse: “We thought it might be a little too warm out for baked Alaska.” This will leave the impression you’d intended on preparing that, which is impressive. But just to be certain, if it’s not really that hot out, better hide some space heaters on the patio. You probably have one or two of those in your house for when you host winter dinner parties and don’t want to turn up the thermostat on your furnace.

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Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).