A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!

Jul 19, 2024

My-Fi? Why-Fi? Oh, My

Ten ways to route happiness to your modem

By Ed Goldman

When my OSSO (oh-so-significant-other) was out of town recently and we lost cellphone contact—which in our cyber-rich/fiber-deprived culture, qualifies as potentially tragic—she told me, after our communication and my blood pressure had been restored to normal, that the situation wouldn’t even had occurred had she taken her office’s “MyFi” device.

“‘MyFi?” I asked, trying to not sound Amish. After she explained it to me—in language that (to me) combined the best elements of Swahili and the patois favored by the Borg on “Star Trek”—I looked it up online. I’m very big on research when it doesn’t involve my moving anything but finger muscles. 

Edgy Cartoon

Unwanted assistant

Turns out, MyFi, also called MiFi, is “a small router or hotspot that typically works over a cellular connection, using network data to get you a Wi-Fi connection for laptops, tablets, and other devices.” Ah. Self-translated, that means a thingie that lets you use your phone in non-service areas.

Now, as every serious researcher knows, one discovery can yield several more. Here are 10 other devices you may not be aware of:

  1. ThyFi. It sounds Amish, all right, but as I alluded to in Paragraph 2, it likely isn’t. I suspect it’s a Biblical router for infidels who lose their connection to God. 
  2. ThighFi. A popular gadget for people who claim to be “in touch with” their bodies but don’t like the messages they receive from them, especially when trying on clothes from last Fall. Using a Siri-like voice (called “Sorry”), ThighFi directs the user to the nearest 24-hour gym.
  1. WhyFi. This will route all of your big questions—about the universe, the meaning of life and the existence of Ryan Seacrest—from your phone to a mystic panel of experts. Or an expert panel of mystics. You decide which group you’d rather have laugh at you. 
  2. BiFi. Though it sounds like a daring doodad for the adventurous and ambisextrous, it’s actually a two-pronged whatchamacallit that specializes in answering your queries in doublespeak. A must for political wannabes.
  3. GuyFi. This is pitched at men who didn’t cancel their Playboy subscriptions even when they realized the centerfolds they were ogling were born a few years after their daughters were. Equally deployed by gold-diggers and #MeToo victims, this will put you in contact with women who either really like older men or those who’ve been trying to track you down for your very bad behavior sometime back. In both cases, some dissembling required.  
  4. HaiFi. This appliance will help get you into busy sushi bars without a reservation. (Global tip: When you enter and the workers say, “Hai!” it means “Yes!” in Japanese, not “Hi!” So don’t respond by saying, “‘sup!”)
  1. FieFi. Here’s an apparatus for people into self-punishment, whether in the form of literal flagellation or endlessly whispered insults such as “Way to go, Stupid” and the catch-all headbanging self-epithet popularized by Homer Simpson, “Doh!”
  2. I-Fi. If you’re an unrepentant narcissist—or have one in your life whose birthday is just around the corner—consider giving him or her this lovely implement. Earbuds will transmit messages throughout the day like “Who are these fools?”and “Everyone’s entitled to my own opinion.”
  3. LieFi. Need a tool to explain to your boss or spouse why they heard, respectively, a World Series game or nightclub music in the background when you were calling to explain your tardiness or absence? Lie-Fi will route a rich menu of excuses in an A-I voice that sounds exactly like your own so you won’t even have to take valuable time away from the baseball or disco ball competing for your attention. (Our most popular alibi is “My dog ate my GPS.”)
  4.  TheBridgeOnTheRiverKwaiFi.A tool with a hearty marching-band soundtrack from the seemingly interminable Oscar-winning movie. My dad took me to see it when I was a little kid and I have never slept more soundly for almost three hours. Someday I intend watching it.

Don’t forget! A new Goldman State Podcast drops every Friday!

 

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).