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Ten ways to route happiness to your modem

By Ed Goldman

When my OSSO (oh-so-significant-other) was out of town recently and we lost cellphone contact—which in our cyber-rich/fiber-deprived culture, qualifies as potentially tragic—she told me, after our communication and my blood pressure had been restored to normal, that the situation wouldn’t even had occurred had she taken her office’s “MyFi” device.

“‘MyFi?” I asked, trying to not sound Amish. After she explained it to me—in language that (to me) combined the best elements of Swahili and the patois favored by the Borg on “Star Trek”—I looked it up online. I’m very big on research when it doesn’t involve my moving anything but finger muscles. 

Turns out, MyFi, also called MiFi, is “a small router or hotspot that typically works over a cellular connection, using network data to get you a Wi-Fi connection for laptops, tablets, and other devices.” Ah. Self-translated, that means a thingie that lets you use your phone in non-service areas.

Now, as every serious researcher knows, one discovery can yield several more. Here are 10 other devices you may not be aware of:

1. ThyFi. It sounds Amish, all right, but as I alluded to in Paragraph 2, it likely isn’t. I suspect it’s a Biblical router for infidels who lose their connection to God. 
2. ThighFi. A popular gadget for people who claim to be “in touch with” their bodies but don’t like the messages they receive from them, especially when trying on clothes from last Fall. Using a Siri-like voice (called “Sorry”), ThighFi directs the user to the nearest 24-hour gym.

3. WhyFi. This will route all of your big questions—about the universe, the meaning of life and the existence of Ryan Seacrest—from your phone to a mystic panel of experts. Or an expert panel of mystics. You decide which group you’d rather have laugh at you. 
4. BiFi. Though it sounds like a daring doodad for the adventurous and ambisextrous, it’s actually a two-pronged whatchamacallit that specializes in answering your queries in doublespeak. A must for political wannabes.
5. GuyFi. This is pitched at men who didn’t cancel their Playboy subscriptions even when they realized the centerfolds they were ogling were born a few years after their daughters were. Equally deployed by gold-diggers and #MeToo victims, this will put you in contact with women who either really like older men or those who’ve been trying to track you down for your very bad behavior sometime back. In both cases, some dissembling required.  
6. HaiFi. This appliance will help get you into busy sushi bars without a reservation. (Global tip: When you enter and the workers say, “Hai!” it means “Yes!” in Japanese, not “Hi!” So don’t respond by saying, “‘sup!”)