Get Back to Perk!

Tech companies are reportedly downsizing employee luxuries

By Ed Goldman

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a number of tech companies that gave lavish workplace perks to their employees are now scaling back—or as the Journal reporter wittily puts it, “The ping-pong tables have turned.”

Going (or already gone) are the 24-hour cafés, the generous number of Futons, the soda fountains, the basketball court, inter-office mopeds, free Uber rides, weekly pedicures, torn-ACL therapy class and plastic surgery discounts. I may have made up one or two of those.

In any event, we’re doing similar belt-tightening here at The Goldman State even though I’m the only employee (the rest are classified by the IRS as “fictitious consultants”—which is a bit insulting but not as grievous as “suspicious consultants” or, as Hannibal Lecter’s staff was categorized, “nutritious consultants”). 

I should add that my belt has already been pretty tight since Thanksgiving. Of 2017. Accordingly, I’m eliminating these office perks immediately:

– 24/7 access to Fox News in the exercise room. To be honest, it was always counter-productive for me to watch Tucker Carlson while doing chin-ups because the chin-ups are meant to keep my blood pressure at a safe level but just hearing Carlson’s puberty-challenged coloratura voice was enough to make my BP soar into a range previously reserved for giraffes (theirs average 300/180, if you’re keeping score).

So: Done and done—as we used to tell my mom when she asked what she thought of how she’d prepared the lamb chops.

– My office subscriptions to magazines I considered relevant to my practice but now will try to sample online. So ta-ta, Psychology Ptomaine (an instructional guide for careless eaters such as Jack-in-the-Box dumpster divers). Adios, Town & Crunchy (a little-known periodical that told afficionados the best places in their neighborhoods to buy KitKat bars). Adieu, to a particular French fashion magazine I perused from time to time strictly in the spirit of anthropological research. Yes, we’re getting the Elle out of here.

– Why-oh-why did I ever sign that contract with Farm Fresh to You, which delivers vegetable boxes to my home office three times a week? Cauliflower, broccoli and even kale I could handle; but what about cardoon, shiso perilla, malabar and some monstrosity called amaranth? Did I think I was becoming a vegetarian? Anyway, I’ve canceled the boxes and adopted a new mantra: What happens in vegans stays in vegans. Though, due to their diet’s impressive fiber counts probably not for long.

– When I read this online— “Facebook provides $4,000 in ‘baby cash’ to new parents, plus reimbursement for adoption or egg-freezing”—I naturally thought that this was a perk I should be providing to my staff. However, upon further reflection I realized I hadn’t been a new parent in 37 years (and had neither the intention nor likely capability to become one again). And the only time I froze eggs was when I absently put a carton of them in the wrong compartment of my fridge. The upshot is that I decided to simply save the $4,000 and make myself an omelet.

– Unloading the arcade games has proved to be more onerous than I’d imagined. I had no idea when I bought them in the 1990s as self-contained consoles (which I needed to borrow a friend’s truck to pick up) that games such as Street Fighter 2, Pac-Man, Space Invaders, Donkey Kong and The House of the Dead would become available as video games.