Rules of Ed-iquette: Pinkies Up, Everyone!
Presenting the fourth part of a trilogy
By Ed Goldman
I first published Rules of Ed-iquette in 2015 as an installment of a daily online column I wrote in the Sacramento Business Journal for eight years.
Editor Jack Robinson told me that particular column “trended” and asked for a sequel. I did two more: one week later and then almost three years later. But by the time of the final installment in 2018, Jack had re-married, left the Journal and moved to Philadelphia, where he died of a brain tumor at the age of 61.
Honesty is the best fallacy…
I loved this guy. He had a sense of humor and a sense of honor. This one’s for you, Jack.
I’m hosting a formal dinner at my home this weekend and since I’m not serving soup, is it still necessary for me to include a soup spoon with the table setting? — Confused in Carlsbad
Dear Confused: Yes, especially if the meal will include peas or mashed potatoes, though butter knives can be adorable pinch-hitters.
I just received a handwritten get-well card from a quickie-loan company to which I owe a good deal of money. Since I’m in perfect health, is it in good taste for me to respond nevertheless?—Perplexed in Petaluma
What I think would really be in good taste would be the following: Cobble together whatever meager resources you have to (1) hire a food taster; (2) bring in an intern to start your car in the morning; (3) get a learn-Spanish-while-you-sleep CD, which will prove immensely helpful when you (4) relocate to Chihuahua, one of the federal entities of Mexico.
During a road-rage incident, is there a gesture I can deploy that would be a little less ammunition-provoking than flipping off a driver who just cut me off and WHO’S A TOTAL #$%!!^&*ing IDIOT? I’m sending this by text from the San Diego Freeway at Rush Hour, so there’s no need to reply instantaneously, though I’d appreciate your doing so within about 20 minutes. Thanks in advance.—Not Exactly Sanguine in SoCal
Dear Not Exactly:
If you’re driving that 2020 white Prius with the “Be Woke About Water Usage” bumper sticker, you should know that: (a) I didn’t cut you off even when it looked like it was going to take you 40 minutes to decide to switch to the lane I was graciously trying to let you into; (b) I think people who drive Priuses don’t seem to know they have gas pedals or turn signals; and (c) I absolutely know that you, not I, are the TOTAL #$%!!^&*ing IDIOT.
My husband, who was 47 years older than me, recently passed away, leaving me approximately $5.6 billion in cash, jewelry, stocks and homes in Zurich, Paris, London, Manhattan and Miami. Neither of us had children since he felt it would ruin my figure (I occasionally take swimsuit modeling gigs for Sports Illustrated magazine). I’m tempted to start dating again. What would you advise?
—Sitting Pretty in Pacoima
Ed-iquette can tell you’re a sensitive, intelligent, probably shy individual and he would prefer to provide the benefit of his counsel in person. Could you please IM your home address in Pacoima?
Yes, I am the driver of the 2020 white Prius with the aforementioned bumper sticker. And I don’t appreciate your culture-shaming me just because I’m a complete cliché. Can we have a conversation? There’s a coffee shop at the next exit and I’m in dire need of a decaf Americano plus a low-fat scone. —Becoming a Bit Sanguine in SoCal
You sound like a very nice person. Eat my shorts. I’m driving to Pacoima.
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).