Apr 28, 2023

30 Things You Shouldn’t Include with Your Work Résumé 

Feel free to take notes—but be sure to bring them back later

By Ed Goldman

Are there things you simply shouldn’t include in or attach to your résumé? Yes. Here are 30 of them:

  1. Your junior high school GPA, even if impressive.
  2. Your blood pressure, even if impressive.
  3. Your brief fascination with cannibalism.
  4. Your mother’s married name, especially if it was Hitler-Hannigan.
Edgy Cartoon

Vita statistics

  1. Your mother’s maiden name, especially if it was Margie Mussolini.
  2. Your labradoodle’s vital statistics, even if impressive.
  3. Your great-grandfather’s week as a law clerk for Judge Crater.
  4. A photo of your Grand-Slam breakfast at Denny’s, even if you’ve cropped it very professionally.
  5. X-rays of your torn ACL (I mean, who doesn’t have those—the X-rays or the torn ACL).
  6. Your “I Voted” sticker from 2016, regardless of your choice.
  7. A Xerox of your grandmother’s wanted poster.
  8. A list of all the phone numbers you’ve ever had, including when you lived with your parents, even if you also recall all the area codes—and especially if you’re still living with your parents.
  1. Vacation photos you took of nude sun bathers on the Isle of Capri.
  2. Nude photos of your ex-spouse, anywhere. Even if they’re—well, you know.
  3. A thank-you letter for your kick-starter contribution from Idi Amin, even if personally signed.
  4. Your memo to the manufacturers of Aunt Jemima’s Pancake Mix suggesting that if they want to seem more “woke” they should rebrand it Black Lives Batter.
  5. The subsequent life-threatening letters you received from the NAACP, ACLU and the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE) after your memo was leaked to the press;
  6. Your inseam measurement or the letter assigned to your bra cup size
  7. The membership wait-list notifications you received from Mensa and Q-Anon, even if form letters.
  8. Your essay proposing your hosting “Wheel of Fortune” when Pat Sajak goes on vacation or goes missing;
  1. The clever ransom note you’d send if Pat Sajak went missing.
  2. The marriage proposal you’d send to Vanna White should Pat Sajak go missing.
  3. A selfie you took with the FBI employee who dropped by to visit you after you’d sent the ransom note even though Pat Sajak hadn’t gone missing.
  4. The note your ex-spouse sent in response to your request for bail money—the one that begins “To Whom It May Concern.” 
  5. Your consolation Walmart gift-card from organizers of the Win A Date With Marjorie Taylor Greene contest. 
  1. Your hand-written-from-memory lyrics to the forth stanza of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” even if you’d opted to do so using a particularly cheerful crayon.
  2. The open letter to your psychologist, published in your town newspaper and jointly signed by six of your former romantic partners, headlined “When the Talking Cure Really Isn’t.”
  3. The little note your mom packed in your lunch pail when you were in the fourth grade saying, “Your dad and I are moving this afternoon. Details to follow.”
  4. A copy of the In Case of Emergency Card you submitted to the HR department during your on-boarding session that listed the phone number and email address of your parole officer.
  5. The one-word text your parole officer sent to the HR department in response to its predictable follow-up inquiry: “Who?”

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).