Terms of Estrangement: Business Words and Their Evil Twins

Do you hear what I hear?

By Ed Goldman

ANNUAL RECURRING REVENUE v. ANNUAL RECURRING PARVENU. The first term refers to an assessment of how your business is growing over time. The second is a mysteriously wealthy activist stockholder who challenges every move your company makes. Neither should be dealt with more than once a year. 

B2B vs. BE TUBBY. “B2B,” as I’m sure you know, means business- to-business: a transaction between a provider and client, both of which are businesses. BE TUBBY is what you tell clients when taking them to dinner so they don’t think they have to feign discipline when the dessert tray comes. In both instances, the key is to pretend you have a generous nature.

BENEFIT-COST RATIO vs. BENNIFER: LOST CASH-COW. The first item is how companies and thrifty individuals assess the wisdom of an investment of time or resources. The second is what’s been occurring in Hollywood since celebrities Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez reunited after a decade assuming they’d be flooded with offers to appear together onscreen and they weren’t. Emotion has no place in either transaction. 

BUYER BEWARE vs. WIRE THE BEAR. The first is, of course, a warning to consumers and dealmakers. The second is an idea for rural vacationers to track the whereabouts of hungry grizzlies since all the Forest Service seems to do is remind you not to leave pizza boxes scattered outside your tent flap. The common thread is placing the need for vigilance on someone else’s shoulders.

COLD-CALLING vs. GOLD FALLING. I’m using the first one to define when a salesperson initiates contact with a stranger to make a sale, and the second to illustrate what desperate silver merchants say to make you switch your gem-investment strategy. Both approaches require an inordinate amount of polish.

COMMISSION vs. CONNIPTION. The first is what your boss owes you if you make a sale. The second is what you throw if the boss doesn’t give you the first. 

CROSS-SELLING vs. CROSS-SELLING. While they sound identical, the first means to push related products on a customer who’s already tumbled to the first item you offered. The second is, in essence, what religion vendors are hoping to do when they knock on your door and ask you something provocative like, “Have you heard the Good News?” or “Do you really want to go to hell?” If either cross-selling individual is too pushy, I’d advise you to say you’re running late for a scheduled lobotomy.

ELEVATOR PITCH vs. ALLIGATOR PITCH. Why not call this what it is? You trap prospective customers in an elevator and prey on them. Either way, what you tell them is still a croc.

FORECASTING vs. FORK CASTING. Again, don’t be deceived by these homonyms (for younger readers: “Homonyms” are words that sound alike, not nyms who may now marry in all 50 states). In business, forecasting is an essential skill that financial analysts, CFOs and certain state-fair oracles are said to possess in varying degrees.  Fork Casting is what you do over lunch when you find out that your financial analyst and CFO completely mis-predicted your company’s revenues. You would do this with the oracle, too, but by the time you realize how much you’re about to lose, she’s moved on with the other carneys.   

GATEKEEPER vs. GRATE CREEPER. One is the obstacle you need to get past to visit someone of either importance or, more likely, self-importance. The other is a rodent—or possibly that self-important person you’re trying to visit. You choose.