Mar 22, 2023

29 Awful Aphorisms, And Where to Find Them

Gonna take a Malaproppin’ journey

By Ed Goldman
  1. To a Realtor, when discussing your mortgage rate: “If it ain’t fixed, don’t broker it.”
  2. Moral of a story about a serf who ends up buying his pasture: “And that’s how the shepherd got his lots.”
  3. Advice to a ballet talent scout from the production office: “Don’t wire until you see the tights on their thighs.”
  4. The joy of a lifelong romantic: “It’s fall for one and one’s in thrall.”
Edgy Cartoon

“You can lead a Norse to Potter, but…”

  1. “Surly to bed, burly to rise means you’ve turned into a werewolf—surprise!”
  2. Speaking of werewolves, remember: Lycanthropy gives a person paws.
  3. When your vegan dinner guest realizes you’ve just served her sautéed veal: “Fried comes before appall.”
  4. If you overeat at a popular diner, recall that “The load at Mel’s is saved with belt extensions.”
  1. He who hallucinates is sauced.
  2. He who writes and puns away/ Lives to write—and that’s okay.
  3. If asked to explain the popularity of an online cultural tidbit, don’t worry: “There is no why in meme.”
  4. “I wish I knew now what I knew then.”
  1. At a grape processing plant in Fresno, “Everything happens for a raisin.”
  2. “Weight things come to those who ate.”
  3. For those of you who equate Nietzsche with the circus: “That which does not stilt me only makes me longer.”
  4. A motto for a gym that doesn’t want you to have false expectations: “No body’s perfect.”
  1. Opie’s question to his grandmother’s sister: “Whatever will be, Aunt Bea?” 
  2. Warning to not criticize a transparently dumb espionage agent: “Don’t judge the schnook by his cover.” 
  3. If your dog has finally had it with that back-alley stray, bear in mind that “Cur ferocity killed the cat.” 
  4. Why it’s good to be arrogant when speaking with a member of the Army Corps of Engineers: “The surly word gets the berm.”
  1. Remember, if you’re planning to display on your garden gate some poultry you’ve hunted down, “Don’t mount your chickens before the latch.”
  2. “Better chafe than sore-y.”
  3. If you land a job as a literary critic for a national magazine—and your first assignment is to positively reappraise the works of the author who said of Oakland, “There is no there there”—one might say, “A niche in Time saves Stein.”
  4. If you’re paying someone to hug you, demand there be “Plenty of squish in the fee.”
Looking for a Great Gift?
  1. When turning watermelon slices into jewelry, be sure to “Bead between the rinds.”
  2. If you’re doing sculptures of your friends, it’s essential you “Clay your pards right.”
  3. If you feel like embracing your friend Florence as she installs a produce display on her wall, you could be said to enjoy “Reaching for Flo hanging fruit.” 
  4. If you’re the makeup artist on a film about nudists, “Leave no stern untoned.”
  5. Boy wizards aren’t the least bit afraid of Vikings, so be mindful that “You can lead a Norse to Potter, but you can’t make him blink.”

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).

Yes, Virginia

A Weekly Blog by Virginia Varela

President, Golden Pacific Bank, a Division of SoFi Bank, Inc.

photo by Phoebe Verkouw


This is Women’s History month, or “Her-Story” month and we continue to celebrate some of the strong women making a difference in the financial services world.

On a national level, women have been making great strides to assume leadership positions central to influencing change and innovation in the way we bank. This week we recognize women in banking in the beautiful state of California.

On March 16, 2023, over 240 California based bankers from a variety of financial institutions joined a “Women in Banking Forum” sponsored by the California Bankers Association. This is an annual event, with an opportunity for women in banking to network, build their careers and gain valuable insights from experienced banking veterans.

The theme of this year’s forum was branded as “Power Up Your Potential.”

I was so proud and honored to be included as the final presenter of the day. It was wonderful to address a group of thoughtful, decisive women who were interested in their banking careers and how to add value. Their questions and discussions highlighted that women bankers are dependable, engaged, authentic and tuned into the needs of their employers and customer base.

Joining me, our presenters included:

  • California banking legend Anita Robinson;
  • Melanie Cuevas and Erica Lucia, discussing the importance of engaging with your elected officials;
  • Assemblywoman Cottie Petrie-Norris, who represents California’s 73rd Assembly District, which includes the City of Irvine;
  • Michele Gil and Joyce Kwon on “moving on up”; and,
  • Me!

Lack of women leaders in the banking industry is a very real issue.

This annual forum and its participants help establish a path toward our goal of inclusion in the banking workplace. We are not finished yet, but we are moving in the right direction.

Thanks to Glenn Younger and all others at the California Bankers Association for making this day a great success and a meaningful one for me and so many others.

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