Red Flags and How to Spot Them (Hint: They’re Red)

The warning signs of damn near everything

By Ed Goldman

I had never heard the expression “red flags” before a friend told me— when her husband left her after a long marriage—“I should have paid attention to the red flags.”

I enthusiastically credited her with marvelously adapting, to a domestic crisis, two words I’d always thought of as a nautical warning signal (of the “Ice Berg Ahead!” and “Caution: Now Entering the Bermuda Triangle” variety).

But no. 

At the time of our conversation I’d been married for decades and had no occasion to consider, much less apply, that phrase to my own life. When you’re in a long relationship, you simply don’t say things like “red flag,” “deal breaker”  or “That does it!” Those are terms used shortly before one or both sides speed-dial their divorce attorney. (And if their divorce attorney has been on speed-dial, it’s logical to assume the marriage has been on the rocks for some time.) 

I wasn’t aware that in the vast world of online matchups and saloon-forged romances “red flags” was part of the lingua franca—like “She’s just not into you” and “We’re taking a time-out.” (In fact, I’d always thought the latter was deployable either as a basketball strategy or as a way of dealing with a child who demands her own BMW at age four.)

In dating lore, any number of things can cause red flags to start unfurling. The more extreme examples would be on the order of the following:

–  “You didn’t tell me you were an Oath Keeper when you came with me to my ACLU fundraiser.” 

– “How was I to know that all these people we run into who know your first name but not your last name met you at an AA meeting?”

– “You introduced me to that woman as one of your aunts, not your parole officer.”

To some, the following are examples of more likely flag-worthy episodes:

– “No kidding, you’ve always unrolled the toilet paper from the bottom?”

– “I didn’t realize you had dated every one of those guys I met at the Rotary crab feed.”

– “You really think your un-numbered Thomas Kincaid prints are worth ‘a small fortune’?” 

– “Okay, let’s get something straight: When you tell me a story from your life, it’s an ‘anecdote,’ not an ‘antidote.'”

In business, red flags are constantly flapping in the breeze of daily interactions, often resulting in someone getting fired—or, conversely and perversely, promoted:

BOSS: What made you think you could just walk into my office and begin making sexual remarks to my secretary?! You’re—

EMPLOYEE: I’ve heard you do it. And I admire and try to emulate everything about you. 

BOSS: —on the way up the ladder. What’re your lunch plans?

When dealing with various professionals—psychiatrists, CPAs, surgeons, dentists—you’ll want to keep an eye out for these red flags: