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Dec 30, 2022

You Say You Want a Resolution?

Here are 21 hopes, dreams and un-wisecracks for 2023

By Ed Goldman
  1. Stop dating my checks and letters “2022” by late March—of 2024. But still.
  2. Be more tolerant and good-natured about the hate mail I receive. Oh, not from readers. You’re all absolute peaches. From credit card companies.
  3. Finally allow myself to get hooked on a streaming TV show. I hear good things about “The Sopranos” and predict it’ll be pretty popular.
  4. Refrain from laughing too soon when I stand in front of my bathroom mirror and rehearse saying, in descending order, my proposed new hourly consulting fee.
Edgy Cartoon

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  1. Watch what I eat and drink more carefully. This doesn’t mean I plan to eliminate cookies or vodka—just that I’ll get new glasses.
  2. Floss and brush twice a day—and at some point, do this for my teeth.
  3. No longer invest in stocks and bonds. S&M is so 1990s. 
  4. Stop writing about nonprofit organizations whose missions and sometimes even their names are nearly identical to other nonprofit organizations. (One word, folks: Merge.)
  1. Resume my painting avocation. For example, one of my living room walls would look nicer in seafoam green than its current sand-dune beige. Now where’s that damn beret…?
  2. Be silent and be thought a fool rather than speak and remove all doubt. (I may have stolen that from an issue of “Highlights for Children.”)
  3. Go to London to see the changing of the guard—provided someone lets me in the locker room. (See #10 for the likely source of this one, too.)
  4. Say nothing when I have nothing nice to say about someone. This will lead to the creation of my personal mantra: “Silence is Goldman.”
  1. Start my own political party. Or at least my own political soiree. Either way, opinions will be welcome and dress will be work-casual unless you work at home. (I’m talking flannel shirts worn over PJ bottoms.)
  2. Run for office—especially if politician’s employees are housed in a trailer that slips off its hitch and starts heading down a hill.
  3. Start calculating the cost-to-benefit ratio of shopping at a gourmet grocery store where everyday foods are also stocked but, alas, at twice the price. I plan to start figuring out what it costs, for example, to drive five miles to a cheaper store for butter, vodka and Ragu—as opposed to making the gourmet store my one-stop shop. With gas prices being what they are, I have a feeling the latter will prove to be the more cost-effective option.
  4. Resuscitate my Twitter account—even though during the 13 months I didn’t post anything new on it, my followers actually increased five-fold. This is a true fact—which didn’t used to be a redundant phrase until Fox News went on the air and it became important to distinguish between its product and that of journalism.
  1. Realize that one of the greatest lies of the past several decades is when someone says, “It’s not you, it’s me” as a reason for ending a friendship of any sort. But it is you, for God’s sake.
  2. Stop circling lies in the Old and New Testaments, Congressional records, campaign speeches on ending gun violence and homelessness, and the minutes of my homeowner association meetings in which the annual hike in monthly fees is “clarified.” 
  3. No longer accuse dentists of having invented tartar because fluoride almost put them out of business.
  4. Act on all of the warnings I’ve read about the dangers of drinking martinis and smoking cigars. Yes, I intend to give up reading.
  5. Work for peace and harmony among nations.—Oh, wait. That’s my Miss America speech. Happy New Year, all!

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).