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25 Headlines We’re Following So You Don’t Have To
Welcome to your least reliable news source
By Ed Goldman
Coroner Rules Cause of Death “Death”
2. TODAY’S BIRTHDAYS
Honoring Celebrities You’ve Never Heard Of
3. ALREADY ON DOWNWARD POLITICAL SPIRAL, LIZ CHENEY CONSIDERS BECOMING A DEMOCRAT
Won’t Rule Out Creating One-Woman Show, “Just Shoot me, Dad”
4. DONALD TRUMP ACCIDENTALLY TELLS TRUTH AT RALLY
Would Walk It Back But Hates to Walk, Sources Say
Slow news day
Disney World, Epcot Center and Minnie Mouse Remain on the Table
6. AT SUGGESTION OF LEGAL TEAM, AMBER HEARD ENROLLS IN ACTING THERAPY
“We Didn’t Even Believe Her When She Gave Her Name in Court,” Says Unnamed Member
7. BOOMERS SUE COMCAST FOR RUNNING OUT OF SHOWS THEY GREW UP WATCHING
Desperate Viewers Ask, “How About The Pilot for the Ted Bessell Show?”
8. RUDY GIULIANI INKS DEAL TO STAR IN “ZOMBIE: FOR THE DEFENSE” ON CBS-PLUS
In Bow to Sitcom Tradition (Bob Newhart As Bob Hartley, Mary Tyler Moore As Mary Richards, etc.) He’ll Play Disbarred Lawyer Named Rudy Gnocchi
Surviving Koch Brother Sues HBO, Claiming Copyright Infringement and Felony Misspelling
10. IN A BURST OF INDUSTRY, FREELANCE WRITER SELLS 15 ARTICLES IN ONE MONTH
“Of Clothing,” He Clarifies In An Emailed Statement
11. YET-TO-AIR SITCOM “ZOMBIE: FOR THE DEFENSE” CANCELED BY CBS-PLUS
Creators Claim, “We Were Incredibly Drunk” When They Came Up With Concept
12. MEL GIBSON TO TAKE HIS ONE-MAN SHOW, “NETANYAHU TONIGHT!” TO BROADWAY
Agent Says Likely Dates Are “2025, 2026 or Never”
Claims To Have “Under-slept” And Vows It Won’t Happen Again
14. SURVIVING KOCH BROTHER SUES DR. JOYCE BROTHERS, WARNER BROTHERS AND THE MARX BROTHERS FOR IDENTITY THEFT
Omits Smith Brothers From Lawsuit, Asserting He Has A Bit Of A Cough
15. MAJOR CAR ACCIDENT YOU ALREADY SAW COVERED ON TV
Also: High School Sports Scores From A Few Days Ago
16. IN CONTINUING EVIDENCE SEARCH, TRUMP’S TOILET WILL PLEAD THE FIFTH
Commode’s Attorney Says It’s “Flushed And Trim And Ready”
Criticizes Deficit In News Editors’ Adjective Training
18. SACRAMENTO KINGS MAY BECOME IRISH DANCE TROUPE
“We Always Had A Plan B If The B-Ball Thing Didn’t Work Out,” Says Owner
19. BIDEN OFFERS SON HUNTER IN RUSSIA WNBA PRISONER SWAP
The Next Day, Trump Offers Eric In Exchange For Either A Pardon Or Happy Meal
20. NON-BINARY ACTOR EZRA MILLER ARE A PAIN IN THE BUTT
“They Really Is A Fine Person, Or Whatever,” Their Family Say or Says In A Statement
News Of Transaction Irks Amazon head Jeff Bezos; Claims He Was The First To Call “Dibbs”
22. NBC-TV’S SAVANNAH GUTHRIE REVEALS HER FIRST NAME IS ACTUALLY GRASSLAND
“Prairie, Meadow And Llano, Which Nobody Can Pronounce, Were Already Taken,” News Anchor Tells Imaginary Biographer
23. KARDASHIANS EXPCTED TO RETURN TO MOTHER SHIP FRIDAY
After Decades Of Media Dominance Over What Mom Kris Calls “Puny Earthlings,” Clan Decides To Return To Romulus II In Andromeda Galaxy
24. “BENNIFER” DISCOVERED IN FOURSOME WITH “BRANGELINA”
Observer Seeking Anonymity Says “It’s Shaping Up As Quite A Bridge Game”
25. SACRAMENTO KINGS MAY BECOME HARI KRISHNA SECT
“We Always Had A Plan B If The Irish Dance Troupe Thing Didn’t Work Out,” Says Owner
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
