Get Ready for Home-Buying Season!
Why not take the plunge while prices stay absolutely absurd?
By Ed Goldman
There has never been a better time to sell your house or condo! Except the last time it had never been a better time and the time before that.
Accordingly, as summer approaches in California—with its gentle days, scirocco breezes, oppressive drought and horrendous fires—I thought this might be an appropriate time to unveil my Four All-Purpose Homes for Sale Ads.
Light us on Facebook!
- DARLING VICTORIAN (and we don’t mean Henry James at his most impish)! Soaring ceilings. 10 minutes from downtown (if you drive like a perp in a getaway car). Nearby schools (if you count the bataireacht studio, which teaches the art of Irish stick fighting). Convenient Martinizing services (if you have any idea what Martinizing is). Alfresco dining (which sounds better than Ample Food Trucks, you’ll have to admit). Theme bars (please wear leather—unless you’re easily suede). Identical coffee shops! Dog parks, cat playgrounds and lizard lounges! This fixer-upper needs some TLC—or even HBO, SHO or TCM. Polaroids available on site but not online. Call the Tessa Team!
- ADORABLE TOWNHOUSE. To be honest, this is not a traditional two-story or split-level townhouse. But it is a house and it is in town! Wall-2-wall deep-pile carpeting and when you make an appointment, we’ll tell you just what that pile consists of. People have been dying for this gem to come back on the market, especially after the people who’d been dying to live here did so ask to see the updated carbon monoxide report, which you’re likely to find as breathtaking as the refurbished kitchen, now with appliances! Call the Cathi Cadre! Our office is just a stone’s throw away, especially if there’s a tailwind!
- SOARING BIDETS! This new-on-the-market condo recalls the elegance of post-War New York City brownstones. Or at least one of the senior members of our team recalls it (he used to work as a doorman on Park Avenue and will regale you with his tales of the famous New Yorkers he’d see ride by in their limousines. Sample anecdote: “One day I saw the side of Stephen Colbert’s face, or that of his nearly exact double.”) You won’t miss having an elevator for a moment in this five-story walk-up, which recently added bannisters and newel posts to its excitingly precipitous, partially tiled staircases. In keeping with the elegance of a bygone era, this two-room/quarter-bath charmer eschews carpeting for an eclectic array of throw rugs from some of the most dynamic swatch collections in the most respected department stores in our region to have closed permanently in the past two years! Call the Patti Posse! We’ll greet you at your new home with a fresh batch of donut holes and a hot cup of Postum! Did someone say, “Pinch me”?! (Note: If someone actually pinches you, this is not our responsibility. Unless it’s the former doorman, who’s not on our payroll.)
- HOVERING HYBRIDS! At last: the combo workplace/live-space you’ve been craving since your office officially closed, forcing you to realize you have three children, six dwarf hamsters and one “quirky” spouse residing in your home. Our build-to-order, prefab modular homes are a dream come true (particularly if you eat garlic pizza before retiring for the night)! Your spouse and you can not only share the house’s principal office but will also be able to send your three kids to the principal’s office whenever they say they miss the freedom of online learning. The great thing about these customized quarters is that our manufacturer claims to need “only 24 hours and money deposited in a Lugani bank account to throw up your new abode!” (“Throw up” just precious, isn’t it? Ya gotta love these foreign contractors!)
Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).
