Introducing The Goldman State’s First Annual Goldies
We will not be denied entry into the awards-for-everything season
By Ed Goldman
Somewhere in the United States RIGHT THIS MINUTE, someone is compiling a Top-Something list of nominees or winners.
It really doesn’t matter what it’s for: top lawyers, top executive salaries, top bagels, restaurants serving the most authentic and most faux pho—or even most admired CEOs, most beloved despots, clumsiest neurosurgeon videos, best Botox duck lips, least and most easily detectable toupees, funniest standup comedians who repeatedly remove the second-through-fifth letters of “firetruck” and use the remaining word as a noun, verb, gerund and, for all we know, predicate nominative.
A CASE OF MISTAKEN NON-ENTITIES. (Tuxedos designed by the US Forest Service)
One thing all lists have in common is that they exist for only one reason: to strengthen the brand of those on the lists and the media outlets that sponsor the creation of the lists. In short, it’s an advertising come-on and rarely has anything to do with quality.
For example, would you select an attorney to represent you in a family tug-of-war over your parents’ estate because that attorney won a popularity contest? How about a cosmetic dentist whose entire staff is pictured smiling with their mouths closed tight?
And why should you choose to have your house listed for sale with someone who just won an industry award for selling $40 million worth of homes in two months? Do you think that person has the time (or motivation) to concentrate on selling your one-story fixer-upper in a section of town called Purgatory?
Well, since March is usually the most prolific month of awards season—in fact, March has been nominated for an award for being such—this may be a good time for us to roll out The Goldman State Goldie Awards. The five categories and nominees follow.
1. MOST INAPPROPRIATE POLITICAL SMILERS. The three nominees are:
– California Governor Gavin Newsom, who manages to flash-grin nervously when describing devastating forest fires, drought and COVID numbers (perhaps he thinks he’s smiling winningly or, even worse, boyishly); and
– President Joe Biden, who always seems to be displaying a brand-new set of ultra-bright choppers whenever he discusses stalled legislation, supply chains and his own disapproval numbers. I’ve read that he envisions himself the reincarnation of FDR but the president he’s really identifying with may be George Washington, who’s said to have been fitted with partially wooden dentures. We reached out to the American Dental Association for comment but its members have ignored me since I advanced my theory that when they became frustrated by the efficacy of fluoride, they invented plaque.
– Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Pluto), whose resemblance to a dyspeptic frog has been noted repeatedly—which is very unfair to dyspeptic frogs.
3. MOST LOVABLE MEMBERS OF THE U.S. CONGRESS. No nominees this year.
– Congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-NRA), who was outraged by the January 6, 2021 insurrection in the US capitol until a soothing visit to the Florida golf resort, Marred-Iago, soothed his temper and, coincidentally, his previously chapped lips. Butt I digress.
– Senators Joe Manchin (D-Whaddayagot) and Kyrsten Sinema (D-Looneytunes), who simultaneously support voting rights and the filibuster. The latter largely erases the former, as you know.
– Former New York Governor Andrew (“Much-too-Handy” Andy) Cuomo, former champion of women’s rights who is now said to be in a grope therapy class.
– Louis CK in the newly created Flowerbed Deflowering category (don’t dwell on this one if you love working in your garden);
– Chris Cuomo, for his stellar work supporting and even emulating big brother Much-Too-Handy Andy’s efforts to alternately fight sexual harassment charges and incur one of his own. Making himself on-call to Andy’s defense team, he asked and answered an important question from the Old Testament: “Am I my brother’s beeper?”
– Jeffrey Epstein, a posthumous nominee for performing the public service of procuring—oops, make that securing—underage tutees for Prince Andrew, the royal British heir to … nothing whatsoever, what, you kidding me? Financier Epstein is also alleged to have assisted (Wild) Bill Gates in overcoming his chronic shyness with teenaged girls, and (Buffalo) Bill Clinton, who claims to have known nothing about Epstein’s private life despite having flown on Epstein’s private jet with him nearly 30 times. Perhaps they discussed Kansas wheat prices.
– Harvey Weinstein, Oscar-winning film producer, convicted rapist and, not incidentally, co-inspiration for the FitPig wristwatch, which calculates how many missteps its wearer makes in a day. The device is easily interchangeable with handcuffs for court appearances.