Ifs, Ands and Butts: An Uplifting Tale
Brazil may be your destination spot for fatal cosmetic surgery
By Ed Goldman
Yes, you probably did. And the first time you heard it, you probably laughed so hard you fell off your stegosaurus.
“Butt lifts”—for want of a better term and saner world—are now among the more popular cosmetic surgeries. They’re also now among the deadliest, especially in Brazil. That intel comes from a recent story in the New York Times, whose news bureau in this, the largest country in South America and acknowledged home of the samba, includes extra-wide desk chairs. I’m speculating, of course.
I’ve known a number of people, of all available gender orientations, who’ve gone under the knife to reduce the size of various anatomical parts—specifically, derrieres so large they qualified for sphere-of-influence studies.
But unless your backside looks like a plywood diptych, why would you want to pump it full of fat (for this is the process)?
I became aware of the fact that the size of my own rear end was negligible the first time I bought a custom suit. The tailor, an elegant, patriarchal Swiss fellow, was measuring me for the slacks and said, “The Italians have an expression for your particular challenge: “Yuhgoddanoass.” I had driven halfway home before I said that aloud and almost had to pull over because I was laughing so hard. Falling-off-my-stegosaurus hard.
ME: What do you need to park your car in Russia?
ME: A grawjki!
ME (Slumping a little): ‘Kay.
I felt like such an ass.