Aug 25, 2021

Chatty Muscles Are Caught on Transcript

Welcome to a listening tour of one’s own body

By Ed Goldman

Some researchers recently theorized that our body parts are BFFs. “Maybe, they speculated, muscles and fat chatted together amiably after a workout.” 

“They” who speculated on the possibility of this intra-anatomical yak fest included scientists from the University of Kentucky in Lexington, the University of Nebraska in Lincoln, “and other institutions,” according to the column “Well” in the New York Times.

Edgy Cartoon

Body Political Debate

“Well” indeed.

While I’m sure my body parts talk to one another after I put them through a workout, I’m not certain they do it amiably. In fact, using the little-known Private Records Act, I recently got my Romneys—sorry, my mitts; I’ll get over using this gag soon—on the transcript of a recent conference call among my innards after I underwent a rare vigorous workout.

BRAIN: Okay, what the hell was that?!

AB #1: A workout. But we can’t comment. We pretty much retired when Goldman Boy qualified for Medicare.

AB#2: Well, to be honest, we hung around for a while. But then he had that intestine operation and we no longer felt the need, or had the wherewithal, to pretend to tighten when he took his shirt off at the river if a woman walked by.

SEMI-COLON: “Intestine operation.” Tell me about it. I used to be close to five feet long and roughly 3 inches in diameter. The surgeons took out my best 18 inches.

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BRAIN: Stay out of this, Semi Davis, Jr. 

SEMI-COLON: That was really funny the first time you said it. Like calling one’s mitts Romneys. But one-liners can age, too you know. Just like the brain, Brain.

BRAIN: Look, let’s keep this amiable. Some scientists from Kentucky might be recording this.

JAUNDICED EYE: “Scientists from Kentucky”? Isn’t that an oxymoron, like Senate Intelligence Committee?

BRAIN: Hey, I won’t have us engaging in cultural stereotypes. Are you forgetting Garret Morgan, 1877–1963, who invented the stop light and gas mask?

JAUNDICED EYE: Aw, baloney, Brain. He was born in Paris.

GUT: Paris, Kentucky, Jaundie!

(To show their appreciation, the other body parts giggle, belch, hiccup, dislocate themselves and exhibit flatulence.)

BRAIN: Thanks, Gut. How’s you know that?

GUT: I just had an instinct.

AB #1: We should all trust Gut’s instincts.

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AB #2: Yeah, he’s the one who warned us about Goldman Boy’s diverticulitis turning ugly about, what, Abby, 11 years ago?

AB #1: Don’t remind me. I still miss sunflower seeds.

BRAIN: Okay, gang, as Goldman Boy’s tech consultant told him when he couldn’t get his computer to work, “Let’s press ON.” (Laughs in spite of himself.) I know, I know, we used that in a column for the Sacramento Business Journal, like, seven years ago.

GUT: Six. I’m pretty sure about that. I just kind of feel it in my—well, you know.

ACL: Hey, can anyone join this conversation?

(The entire group chatters out welcomes.)

BRAIN: Glad to have you aboard, Acey. How do you feel about Goldman Boy’s sudden decision, without so much as warning us, to engage in a vigorous workout?

ACL: Well, as you can imagine, I’m torn.

JAUNDICED EYE: Wow. Another torn ACL. This is trending, kids.

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).

Yes, Virginia

A Weekly Blog by Virginia Varela

President and CEO, Golden Pacific Bank

photo by Phoebe Verkouw


His Holiness Dalai Lama believed, “It is our collective and individual responsibility to protect and nurture the global family, to support its weaker members and to preserve and tend to the environment in which we all live.”

He may as well have been talking about climate change—which is killing us. Literally. We each have a personal responsibility to act now.

The whole universe, even the smallest of us, is profoundly connected.

Let’s face the stark truth: The crisis of climate change plunges those who are the most vulnerable into an even deeper pit of vulnerability.

But just as we’re all connected as human beings, the poor and abandoned are connected to those who strive for gain—at the expense of the poor and the earth.

As successful people, we have a deep obligation and responsibility to take care of our brothers and sisters. All deserve food and water and a way of living.

For corporations, the time to act is now. Let ESG (environmental, social, and governance) issues dominate our Board rooms and our collective thought process.

I am in awe of all living things and I know each of you who reads this is, as well. We need to change our habits and work and make real changes for our common good. Ecological conversion is more relevant and urgent than ever.

Every little thing you do, every choice you make, please do so with introspection on how it affects our planet and our neighbors. Reinvigorate the conversations about what is real wealth.

The crisis of climate change is real today. And as one of my favorite (though anonymous) quotes has it, “My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.” Let’s all connect to ensure there’ll be a “there” there when we arrive.

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