May 31, 2021

Drought Measures Presented in a Dry Manner

Don’t give up the sip!

By Ed Goldman

Memorial Day is the unofficial kickoff of summer and we’re now officially in a drought here in California. Until Governor Gavin Newsom declared it, we were evidently in an ex officio drought, which was a little like having a learner’s permit but not being allowed to climb into the full disaster to buckle up and go for a spin. Or having a designer need to have a licensed architect sign off on an architectural drawing in order to make it an architectural design. 

Accordingly, the Sacramento Bee ran a recent story headlined “Drought tips: take 5-minute showers and recycle water.” The all-caps/boldface subheads in the story included USE LESS WATER WHEN BATHING and BE EFFICIENT WITH APPLIANCES. 

Edgy Cartoon

Eau d’Pain (with the late Horst Leissl’s “Back of City Hall After Prop. 13”)

While we await the newspaper’s equally helpful hints on safe hiking (TRY NOT TO FALL OFF THE MOUNTAIN), fire safety (TRY TO TURN OFF THE OVEN BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE FOR A FEW WEEKS) and careful cosmetic application (NO MATTER HOW WINDY THE DAY, DO NOT USE MONSTER GLUE TO SECURE YOUR TOUPEE), I thought I’d offer some of my own drought measures:   

  1. Shower or bathe only on days whose names end in “day.”
  2. Stop describing a lanky person as “a long drink of water.”
  3. Sit in your spa or bathtub only until you’re half-relaxed. And if you must sigh “Aaaaaah,” try to shorten that to “Ah.” Every little saving counts.
  1. If your favorite cocktail order is “Black Jack/water back”—which just means a glass of whiskey alongside a glass of water—try ordering two glasses of whiskey instead. It may not make a difference but in a few minutes, you really won’t care.
  2. Instead of merrily cavorting on water slides, try sliding down flood-preventing berms. You can enhance the experience by yelling, ”Whee.”
  3. Eugene O’Neill’s classic play, “The Iceman Cometh,” will be retitled, “The Iceman Declareth Bankruptcy.”
  4. Old-movie gangsters will have lines like “Ice dat guy” re-dubbed to “Ice dat guy on a Tuesday or Saturday, depending on your zip code.”
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  1. Waterford crystal will henceforth be known as Waterfree Crystal.
  2. The legendary bluesman Muddy Waters will be posthumously renamed Buddy Saltflats. The state of Utah will sue for libel and reverse racism.
  3. The famed lyric by Ben Johnson, “Drink to me only with thine eyes,” will be reprinted as “Drink to me only with thine Nehi orange soda.”
  4. Liquid Assets will now be known as Parched Profits.
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  1. Neighborhood bars will no longer be termed “watering holes.” They’ll now be called “booze emporia.” Their patrons are expected to neither object nor notice.
  2. Rap performer and TV star Ice-T will now be called Tepid-T. This will also save time for music and TV critics trying to come up with adjectives for his talent.
  3. Disneyland’s Splash Mountain will be rechristened Moist Elevation.
  4. Simon & Garfunkel’s greatest hit is now known as, “Bridge Over Troubled Landfill.” (🎹When you’re weary/Feelin’ numb/When tears are in your eyes/Try to bottle ‘em.)  
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Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).