Meet Otto Correct, the Bane of Smartphones
Some hypothetical mis-messaging to make your Monday complete
By Ed Goldman
Ever since my surname was “corrected” to Goddamn, I’ve had issues with the invisible smartphone prankster I call Otto Correct. Here are some examples of hypothetical texts and how Otto might have corrected them.
1. From Lassie to her human family:
LASSIE: Timmy fell into the well.
OTTO: Tommy fell into the we’ll.
OTTO: Tommy fell into the wheel.
LASSIE: Timmy, not Tommy.
OTTO: Timid, not tomorrow.
LASSIE: Never mind. Timmy drowned.
OTTO: “Netherlands Tammi” crowned.
Best actor, supporting troll
2. From President Biden to the Joint Chiefs of Staff:
PRESIDENT: North Korea has sent an unclear message.
OTTO: North Korea has sent a nuclear massage.
PRESIDENT: “Unclear message,” not “nuclear massage.”
OTTO: Uncle marriage now Uncle Marsha.
PRESIDENT: Alert to Pentagon!
OTTO: Al Hirt to play Saigon!
3. From a romantic person to a paramour:
ROMANTIC PERSON: Drinks after work? Hope you can join me.
OTTO: Drinks, laughter, twerk? Hope you enjoin me.
4. From a patient to a hospital’s Help Desk:
PATIENT: You left me a note about my recent blood panel results. Can you clarify what they mean?
OTTO: Yul Brynner knows I doubt my decent flood channel resorts. Can you clarify butterbeans?
5. From the aforementioned paramour in response to the romantic person:
PARAMOUR: What kind of jerk are you, sending me a text like that!
OTTO: What kind of twerk for you? Sending me a sext? Like that!
6. From the Joint Chiefs of Staff to President Biden:
JOINT CHIEFS: Sir, we’re delighted that Al Hirt wants to play Saigon but we feel we should inform you that the great trumpeter is gone 22 years.
OTTO: Siri is like all hurt. Wants to slay Top Gun but we feel he should be uniformed. The great Trump ether is gone. Tutu tears.
7. From a cable customer to its help desk in—what?—Fallujah:
CABLE CUSTOMER: I have HBO-plus and am paying for it but have no idea how to access it. Please advise.
OTTO: I have itch, B.O.-plus and am paying for it. Butt have no idea how it abscessed. Please! Mad thighs!