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May 24, 2021

Meet Otto Correct, the Bane of Smartphones

Some hypothetical mis-messaging to make your Monday complete

By Ed Goldman

Ever since my surname was “corrected” to Goddamn, I’ve had issues with the invisible smartphone prankster I call Otto Correct. Here are some examples of hypothetical texts and how Otto might have corrected them.

1. From Lassie to her human family: 

LASSIE: Timmy fell into the well.

OTTO: Tommy fell into the we’ll.


OTTO: Tommy fell into the wheel.

LASSIE: Timmy, not Tommy.

OTTO: Timid, not tomorrow.

LASSIE: Never mind. Timmy drowned.

OTTO: “Netherlands Tammi” crowned.

Edgy Cartoon

Best actor, supporting troll

2. From President Biden to the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

PRESIDENT: North Korea has sent an unclear message.

OTTO: North Korea has sent a nuclear massage.

PRESIDENT: “Unclear message,” not “nuclear massage.”

OTTO: Uncle marriage now Uncle Marsha.

PRESIDENT: Alert to Pentagon!

OTTO: Al Hirt to play Saigon!

3. From a romantic person to a paramour:

ROMANTIC PERSON: Drinks after work? Hope you can join me.

OTTO: Drinks, laughter, twerk? Hope you enjoin me.

4. From a patient to a hospital’s Help Desk:

PATIENT: You left me a note about my recent blood panel results. Can you clarify what they mean?

OTTO: Yul Brynner knows I doubt my decent flood channel resorts. Can you clarify butterbeans?

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5. From the aforementioned paramour in response to the romantic person:

PARAMOUR: What kind of jerk are you, sending me a text like that!

OTTO: What kind of twerk for you? Sending me a sext? Like that!

6. From the Joint Chiefs of Staff to President Biden:

JOINT CHIEFS: Sir, we’re delighted that Al Hirt wants to play Saigon but we feel we should inform you that the great trumpeter is gone 22 years. 

OTTO: Siri is like all hurt. Wants to slay Top Gun but we feel he should be uniformed. The great Trump ether is gone. Tutu tears.  

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7. From a cable customer to its help desk in—what?—Fallujah:

CABLE CUSTOMER: I have HBO-plus and am paying for it but have no idea how to access it. Please advise.

OTTO: I have itch, B.O.-plus and am paying for it. Butt have no idea how it abscessed. Please! Mad thighs!

Ed Goldman's column appears almost every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. A former daily columnist for the Sacramento Business Journal, as well as monthly columnist for Sacramento Magazine and Comstock’s Business Magazine, he’s the author of five books, two plays and one musical (so far).

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