Moderate imbibing is said to enable laser evasion

By Ed Goldman

We’re learning that moderate alcohol drinking may help you avoid cataract surgery. In just four words: Now ya tell me.

A few years ago I underwent cataract operations on both of my eyes, separated by a few months (the operations, not my eyes) to allow my normally slow recovery time to enjoy a luxurious convalescence. I had learned a few years prior to that—when I had a series of seven surgeries spread out over a three-year period (as was I during the procedures, but please don’t dwell)—that if there’s one skill I can make an absolute claim to having, it’s this: I’m an excellent convalescent.

Now, don’t start belittling this assertion (I originally wrote “Don’t start poohpoohing this assertion” but thought this sounded vaguely scatological and that I already might have lost some readers when I alluded to my being spread out for seven surgeries).

Which is to say: I will match my ability to lie around the house and accomplish nothing whatsoever with the best of you —or the worst of you, considering the topic. This is why I found the shelter-at-home mandate during the dark days of the COVID-19 pandemic an insult to my indolence, a lashing out at my lassitude, a slap at my sloth. I didn’t need to be instructed on torpor, apathy or lethargy. I could fill an entire day with reading a book or, even better, thinking about doing so. This, friends, is world-class sluggishness.

Then I drilled down, dug deeper or maybe just read the actual article. In this day of people thinking they’re serious researchers because they can, for example, Google and triumphantly disprove your assertion that John Wayne’s real first name was Marion, your actually having read something can prove immensely gratifying. For instance, I had read many years ago that John Wayne’s real name was Marion Morrison—but his friends called him “Duke,” as I’m sure you’d want your friends to do under similar circumstances.