Maeley Tom’s Book Explains Who She Is

First, it’s very easy for me to tell you my opinion of Maeley Tom’s new book, “I’m Not Who You Think I Am—An Asian-American Woman’s Journey,” because it’s right there in the book’s opening pages of rave reviews.

After reading and making a few suggestions on the manuscript months before the book was published, I called it “a clear-eyed but touching memoir, a guide book on how the inner workings of government in the country’s most progressive state grind along” and “an awesome, very human achievement.”

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Are You an Anti-Semantic? Time to be Outed!

Warning: There are some people out there who are dangerous anti-semantics. Like the ones who think “irregardless” is a fine word, and should be included in our dictionaries.

I’m the exact opposite. Words are my world. Consequently, I spend entirely too much time wondering why we pay doctors, dentists and lawyers so much money to “practice,” then allow one of the latter to represent us at a “trial” which also means an “experiment” or a “test.”

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Coming Distractions: This Summer’s Retooled Movie Menu

Since shooting new movies was all-but-impossible during the lockdown, canny producers figured they could simply re-edit long-ago hits for this summer. Here are some coming distractions:

JOWLS (formerly, “Jaws”): An entire continent is terrorized by a largely orange creature whose suits, once made by Brioni, are now stitched together by Omar the Tentmaker. As ominous music plays, he lures idiots to public rallies to celebrate his greatness then has them devoured by Covid-9. Despite the efforts of California Governor Gavin Handsome (played by the late and missed Roy Schneider) and a nasal scientist named Dr. Anthony Fussy (played by the always on-time and annoyingly peppy…

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Quibbles & Bits: Starbucks and Hell

Welcome to QUIBBLES ‘N’ BITS, my regular roundup of irregular items. Such as…:

WE GAVE (UP) AT THE OFFICE—I was sorry to learn a couple of weeks ago that Starbucks will no longer offer free office rent to the miserly parasites who’ve grown accustomed to buying perhaps a small latte, nursing it for hours to conduct their workday—including WiFi, Zoom, Facetime, Skype and in-person client meetings. These people often take up…

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Want Unverified and Unqualified Reviews

If you get food poisoning from what you ate in a restaurant, you should get medical help, let the owner know as soon as possible and, if nothing is done, contact your county health department.

If you simply don’t like the service or food you received at a restaurant, don’t go there again. And if you’re in an adamant mood, tell your friends not to go there, either. But whatever you do, don’t post a damning review on Yelp.

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Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me!

We know about Covid-19. But what about the Covid 15? In the spirit of the famous “Freshmen 15,” which is the average weight students allegedly gain in their first year of attending college away from home, I’ve coined the Covid 15 as a descriptor for how many pounds many of us have put on while dutifully sheltering at home for several weeks, in close proximity to our kitchens, in the hope of skewing the pandemic’s statistics.

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One Space or Two? The Meaningless Debate Continues

As you know, for decades “RDA” has meant Recommended Dietary Allowance, to indicate roughly how much fruit, grain, protein, minerals and, possibly, S’mores, should be part of most people’s daily consumption. Now, thanks to a lawyer in Tampa (a place that, thank God, they keep in Florida), RDA has a new meaning for me: Ridiculous Damn Arguments.

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Let Us Spray. No, Wait. Let’s Not

First, a quick grammar lesson: “Today I spit. Yesterday, I spat. Often I have spat. And frequently, upon on your spats, you unpretentious fop.”

What brings this rumination from cud to mind is my delight that spitting is being outlawed in various segments of our daily lives, due to the potential spread of Covid-19, which still sounds like one half of a box score to me (“At the end of the first half, it’s Covid-19, People-Zero”). And while I feel no sympathy for…

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Christo’s Passing and a Memorable Trip Over the Grapevine

I was sorry to hear of the passing of the artist Christo three weeks ago, and it took until now for me to realize the role one of his California works played in my life.

As you know, Christo Vladimirov Javacheff—whom you could characterize as an environmental artist, a sculptor, a Dadaist and a supremely effective, charming conman, yet not be wrong on any count—created and executed truly monumental projects…

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Some Father’s Day Ruminations

When I was a kid, and probably for decades before that, a common comment about Father’s Day, in lower-east-side-of-New-York dialect, went something like this:

“On Fodder’s Day, be sure to t’ank yer Mudder — ‘cause if it wuzn’t fer yer Mudder, yer Fodder wouldn’t be no Fodder.”

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Are You Losing Your Census?

By the time United States Census 2020 is completed, I’ll either show up as someone who has a number of humans in my home instead of just one, or as someone with multiple personalities, all with the same name.

This is because the same day I received my first Census inquiry, I responded on line. I’ve since received the survey twice in the U.S. mail, which may indicate the Post Office thinks if it turns in a bunch of extra-credit work right about now, Congress won’t try to privatize it or push to abolish it. Congress is pretty limited in what it can do; the Post Office was established by the U.S. Constitution and is an agency of the government.

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