High on my list of boring conversation topics is boredom itself.

If life were like the TV industry and I were a network executive, these are the 19 things I’d cancel (I had a 20th item but canceled it):

Many of us wish we could send in stunt doubles or even evil twins to withstand the slings and arrows of cringeworthy fortune.

I was surprised to learn a few weeks ago that the Nielsen ratings company was being sold for about 10 billion bucks. “Surprised” because I had no idea it even existed anymore.

Do you have a personal tagline? If not, I got here just in time. You might get popular at any minute. But without a catchy saying to define your essence, you’ll have bubkis (Yiddish for “nothing at all.” Also a smooch from William Frawley’s character on “My Three Sons”).

When I was a kid, Mrs. Payne—my fifth-grade teacher at Grover Cleveland Elementary School in Lakewood, California—said I asked too many questions. I asked her why she thought that. This greatly amused my classmates as I headed out the door to the principal’s office.

Our director of scientific research here at The Goldman State, Ken Eubie Leavitt, sent me a memo yesterday that made up for in enthusiasm what it may have lacked in depth, which perfectly fits this company’s culture.

There has never been a better time to sell your house or condo! Except the last time it had never been a better time and the time before that.

I’m tired of being asked if I’m a robot—especially since the one asking is a computer. Which itself is a robot.

My name is Ed and I am addicted to unsalted butter.